


Infinity Times Infinity

by HereSay_ThereSay



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Banter, Banter On A Budget, Discount Banter, Getting Together, Ghost Bullshit, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Pining Shane Madej, Podfic Welcome, Shane is Not Human, This May Not Make Any Sense, but like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 02:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18436826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HereSay_ThereSay/pseuds/HereSay_ThereSay
Summary: Sometimes it got complicated, being a millennia-old deity of immense power in the twenty-first century.It used to be so easy. Humans were gullible and oblivious and so willing to accept any answers to all their incessant little curiosities that Shane hardly had to do anything at all in order to win their praises. He’d pop in every few decades, offer up a couple of prophecies, heal a few sick babies, and levitate a few impertinent shitlords by their toenails, and bada-bing, bada-boom. A fresh crop of worshippers at his disposal.Not anymore.(Or, In Which Shane is Older Than Time, but still Absolutely Weak for Ryan Bergara)





	Infinity Times Infinity

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello this is absolute nonsense because i wrote this is an hour and it's really late and i haven't slept in ages.
> 
> also, this is my first time writing The Boys, so... be kind. please.
> 
> AND ON THAT NOTE: if you or anyone you know is featured in those tags, i'm gonna have to politely ask you to, like... please choose to do something else with your time. like seriously. you're gonna like precisely 0% of what occurs past this point, so you might as well click away now.

Sometimes it got complicated, being a millennia-old deity of immense power in the twenty-first century.

For as long as Shane could remember, life had had a rather predictable pattern. Find some mortals, dazzle them with amazing feats of power, have some fun screwing around with a couple of assholes, bask in the glow of said mortals’ worship, play a few cosmic jokes, bounce when things got sticky or, frankly, boring.

It used to be so  _ easy _ . Humans were gullible and oblivious and so willing to accept  _ any _ answers to all their incessant little curiosities that Shane hardly had to do anything at all in order to win their praises. He’d pop in every few decades, offer up a couple of prophecies, heal a few sick babies, and levitate a few impertinent shitlords by their toenails, and bada-bing, bada-boom. A fresh crop of worshippers at his disposal.

But now.

_ Now _ , mortals seemed to have finally gotten a clue, relying less on omnipotent deities and more on their new fangled sciences and technologies.

And honestly? Shane was happy for them. It’d taken them couple thousands of years, but they’d finally learned how to  _ not _ die before the age of forty. Shane was proud.

But  _ fuck _ if he didn’t sometimes miss the good ol’ days when he could curse a few greedy innkeepers and bestow a few blessings and call it a day without everyone and their dog doubting his incredible god-like powers.

He was a simple preeminent being. All he needed was that sweet, sweet praise, and he’d be good to go.

And yet, it seemed desperate times called for desperate measures, and in an age in which people seemed to put more stock in dumbasses sitting in front of a camera than in an almighty pantheon, then by golly, Shane was going to be a camera-sitting-in-front-of dumbass.

And thus, Buzzfeed.

Working at Buzzfeed wasn’t  _ bad _ , not by any means. As someone who’d spent whole eras playing practical jokes on people, Shane had a strong appreciation for the internet. Any job that allowed him to do the internet thing  _ and  _ the ‘devoted, adoring followers’ thing was definitely a win in his book.

The only issue was Ryan  _ fucking  _ Bergara.

The little asshole had shown up with biceps that looked like coconuts and a smile that shown brighter than every treasured offering that’d ever been placed on Shane’s altar.

And Shane didn’t have a fucking  _ clue  _ how to handle it.

For  _ years _ he’d been following Ryan around like a puppy on a leash, wrapped around his little finger. Shane, a being older than time, was completely at the mercy of one stupid human with an infectious laugh and an affinity for baggy sportswear.

It was quite pathetic, really.

And so here Shane was, standing in an abandoned cabin in the middle of Bumfuck, Oklahoma, watching Ryan try to talk to ghosts.

“If the spirit of Ava Hall is here, please let us know. My name’s Ryan,  and this Ent I’m standing next to here is Shane. We’d like to talk to you,” Ryan stated, his voice not yet shaking with the fear Shane knew was coming.

Ava, for her part, seemed to at least be  _ trying _ , which was more than could be said about most spirits. She had a hand on either side of the spirit box and seemed to be yelling something.

Shane could’ve probably made it out if he’d wanted to. But he didn’t really care, so.

Suddenly, a few beeps and gurgles made their way through the device, a shaky and almost incomprehensible jumble of sounds that just barely came together to make something like a voice that Shane was sure Ryan would somehow twist into words later on.

Shane wished the idea of the whole thing didn’t make him feel so nauseously  _ fond _ .

“We--we’re going to need more than a few mumbles if you want us to believe you’re here,” Ryan prompted. “Could you tell us your name? Or repeat our names back to us?”

Ava looked like she was trying, but not much happened other than a few blurps of interference.

“Not to be, like, an asshole, but I’m pretty sure we’re breathing in a  _ ton  _ of asbestos right now, so if you’re not going come and chat we’re going to have to wrap this up,” Shane added.

“ _ F-ck ovvv, _ ’” the spirit box replied, and Ryan yelped and jumped, almost dropping the damn thing.

“Okay, okay, no need to get your panties in a wad there, little guy,” Shane said, placing a hand on Ryan’s shoulder, wishing for nothing more than to wrap it around, to pull Ryan closer.

“Did you hear that? It told you to fuck off!” Ryan insisted.

“Yeah, I’m sure it did,” Shane stated sarcastically. “Although, to be fair, if  _ I  _ was a ghost and two guys came tramping through my eternal resting place with a radio from the ninth circle of hell, I’d tell them to fuck off, too.”

“We’ll go, if that’s what you want,” Ryan continued, speaking to the room at large. “We just wanted the chance to meet with you.”

_ “Don’ ‘rust, _ ” the spirit box replied. 

“Don’t trust?” Ryan repeated, eyes wide. “Don’t trust what?”

Shane glared in the ghost’s direction.

She wasn’t the first spirit to try and ‘warn’ Ryan of Shane’s true nature, but she  _ was _ the first one to do it with any sort of success.

_ “Your friend _ ,” Ava stated almost clearly.

Ryan screamed.

“Alright, okay, that’s  _ enough _ ,” Shane interrupted, leaning over and flipping the device off.

“Dude!” Ryan shouted. “Dude, you--there’s no way you  _ didn’t  _ hear that, man! We’ve got to turn it back on!”

“It was nothing, Ryan,” Shane insisted. “It was just stuff from the radio. All you’re going to do is freak yourself out, and we still have to do the solo investigations.”

“Oh bull _ shit _ , there was  _ no way  _ that was the radio--”

“So, what, a  _ ghost  _ was telling you not to  _ trust me _ ?” Shane posited, raising his eyebrows. “Why the hell would a ghost even  _ say  _ that, Ryan?”

“I don’t know!” Ryan defended. “Maybe you--maybe the ghost knows something I don’t! Maybe you’re planning on--on feeding me to a bear later or something!”

“Oh, yes, because Oklahoma is known for its uncontrollable  _ bear population _ \--”

“We’re in the woods, you never know!”

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” Shane asked. His hand had somehow moved down to grip on Ryan’s elbow, his gazed captured by the way Ryan’s eyes shone in the dim glow of their single shitty flashlight.

“At least I don’t look like I got caught in a taffy puller at a young age.”

“Very original there, Ry. Never heard  _ that one _ before.”

For a moment, Shane was almost convinced Ryan was going to hit him, the way his hands were balled into fists at his sides.

Instead, the shorter man rolled his eyes and reached up to tug on the collar of Shane’s denim jacket, pulling him down to Ryan’s level.

“You’re such a dick,” Ryan muttered, and a moment later his lips were pressed against Shane’s, and one of his hands moved up to tangle in Shane’s hair.

For half a beat, Shane didn’t respond, but finally ( _ finally _ ) his body seemed to get with the program, and Shane’s hand moved from Ryan’s arm to loop around his waist, pulling him in against Shane’s chest.

It was better than the devotion of a million souls, headier than the prayers and praises of an entire nation.

The power that thrummed through Shane at that moment was stronger than any he’d ever felt in his eternity of life on Earth. He could get drunk on it, intoxicated on the feeling of a thousand stars bursting beneath his skin.

Sometimes, being an almighty divine being was complicated.

But Shane would argue that, sometimes, it was all worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> not Super happy with this ending and it May Change Later, but  
> it's 23.50 and i need to just,,, accept it
> 
> if you want to talk to me about The Boys or this Mess, hit me up on Tumblr at @aceswritesstuff!


End file.
